A plan is never a plan

I haven't updated in a while.  It's been a rough few weeks.  With our first failed IVF, well I don't even know if it would be qualified as a full IVF because we never made it to freeze/transfer...and then some news from friends, mother's day and a recent test, it's been a whirlwind.

So here's what's happening:

Our 2 embies stopped dividing on day 3, so we didn't make it to transfer as I previously published.  DH and I were so ready to just take a break and do something for ourselves.  We talked to our best friends about going to Vegas in July...they were in! Awesome! We just wanted to get away from everything, take a break and spend time together. Well..about 5 days after we booked the Vegas trip, my friend wrote me an email to tell me she was pregnant.  Not planned at all, obviously.  While my heart sunk and I was in shock, I can say that I am happy for her.  She knows everything we are going through and was so worried about how we would react.  That's how you know she is a true friend.  So...Vegas is a no go.

I decided to call my RE and get my AMH retested before we went in for our WTF appointment.  I was thinking to myself...I've been on all of these supplements for 6 months, it has to have gone up.  No, I was wrong. Dead wrong.  My AMH (which measures ovarian reserve) is now undetectable at <.16.  WHAT???? HOW???  Such devastating news.   I had a major breakdown thinking that I was probably at the end of the road of having my own biological children.  When we met with your RE, she suggested that we move to Donar Egg, but said she would do it again with my own eggs if that is what we wanted.  She wouldn't change our protocol, which made me question if we should get a second opinion.

So that's where we are today.  It was so fast, our plan is a 180 from what we had planned...taking a break and going to Vegas over the summer.

I'm happy to say that we have a phone consult with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM next week.  This is the best clinic in the country and I have all the confidence in the world that if we can get pregnant with my own eggs, it will be through them.  I'm curious what they say and what they will recommend as far as protocol.  Thanks to the ladies of TB for all of your help and advice!

Beyond words

Today has been on of the most trying days of my life. We found out that out 2 embryos stopped dividing at day 3 so there is a 99% chance we won't make it to day 5/6 for testing.

No words is an understatement. How? Why?

I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a super busy day at work and it was a 15 hour work day at that. But I haven't had a chance to grieve. And DH...poor DH. He doesn't cry often but I could just see it break him when we finally got home from our long days and we were able to process this news together...in the same room.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just don't know what to do.

Oh and to place a big FU in my face, 3 pregnancy announcements on Facebook and a baby shower invite in the mail. How do you like that? Just in case you weren't having a bad day already, I just wanted to make sure.

Life is so freaking unfair. I said to DH tonight....'what did we do to deserve this' and his response was... 'Nothing and that's why it hurts so much'

And now I'm debating on whether or not to post something on Facebook about national infertility awareness week. Perfect timing, eh? While its a private matter, I'm so tired of the ignorance and stupidity of people. If only they knew the struggles of what others are going through.

It's 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Beyond words.

Heart wrenching update

Out of the 9 eggs, 4 were mature and only 2 fertilized with ICSI. DH and I are devastated and know our chances of making it to day 5 or 6 freeze for PGS testing is super slim. Not the greatest feeling in the world. Just going to try to make it through the weekend without falling apart.

See ya later!

So I went back to the RE this week to see if my cyst was gone.  What a relief - IT WAS! I was so terrified that it was still there as I was still having some "cyst-like" pain...but nothing. So this means that we go back next week for our suppression appointment and will start Lupron a week from today and stims a week from Sunday (assuming everything looks great at suppression).  I'm excited but don't want to get too excited because things change and shit happens. But here's to hoping... *Fingers Crossed**

IVF Protocol

So here it is.  With the start of my period today...we are ready to go with starting the IVF process and our calendar.

Since we are doing IVF with PGS, there are only so many spots available at our clinic each month. We had to push everything off a month, so here's our plan...

Been on a slew of vitamins since 12/1/2012 - DHEA, Vitamin B, C, D, LCartine, Co-Q, Fish Oil, Prenatal (this one for 2+ years)...

12/31/2012 - Period Arrives
1/1/2013 - Start 4mg Estrace
2/11/2013 - Begin 10mg Provera daily for 7 days
2/17/2013 - Stop Estrace/Provera
2/22/2013 - If no period, call.  Begin BCP
3/05/2013 - Last BCP
3/05/2012 - Supression ultrasound and blood tests
3/07/2013 - DH and I take Z-Pak
3/08/2013 - Begin Dexamethasone, continue prenatal and start baby aspirin daily
3/08/2013 - Begin Microdos Lupron 10 Units, 12 hours apart
3/10/2013 - Begin Fertility Drug/Dosage
3/10/2013 - Begin Injections of Saizen 23 units (Growth Hormone)
3/12/2013 - Day 3 Labs
3/15/2013 - Day 6 Labs and Scan
3/18/2013 - Day 9/10 Labs and Scan
3/20/2013 - 3/22/2013 - Tentative ER
IVF with ICSI
Send off for PGS testing. FX!! FET 6-8 weeks later.

So there it is. I know plans change...but it feels good to have something down and in writing. :)

Mind-F

I hate IF and everything that comes with it.  Even with our DOR diagnosis last month, knowing we wouldn't be able to conceive on our own, silly stupid me still had hope. Maybe we could be that miracle conception couple. So frustrating...

It went down like this.  I hadn't let myself think for one minute I could be pregnant...that is until I felt like I was going to throw up in the middle of the day on Friday. Okay...no big deal. I was hungry and needed to eat.  So...Saturday rolls around and my boobs were sore. I mean...like really sore. I never get sore boobs...but maybe it's because of my period. But they were sore ALL day. I couldn't even shower without discomfort.  So..DH decides to go watch the UFC fight with some friends while I got caught up on my DVR.

The sore boobs still wouldn't go away, so I went looking for an HPT. I found one....took it...went to get the laundry...came back...and there was a second line.  It's the first time in my life I've seen a second line.  Was my mind playing tricks on me? I have no idea. It was so faint, it couldn't be. There's no way. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I had been spotting for a few days before...sure signs of AF. 

So the next morning, I told DH what had happened.  We went to buy some digital HPT...knowing that it couldn't be...but hoping that it could. Sure enough, a BFFN. "NOT PREGNANT" starred at me.

So now...I don't know what happened.  Was it a chemical pregnancy? Was I even pregnant at all? Man...I really hate IF and the mind-F games that it plays on you.  Even when you know you are out of the game on your own, you still have some sliver of hope it could be a miracle. 

First Post

I've always thought blogging would be a great outlet for me and a way to document our journey.  Not only do I want to document our IF struggles, but everything life throws our way...the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  As you can tell from the title of our blog, we have a love for baseball, beagles, and beer.  We hope to love our very own baby or babies one day. Right now, our dogs are our kids...and this picture pretty much sums it up...