Beyond words

Today has been on of the most trying days of my life. We found out that out 2 embryos stopped dividing at day 3 so there is a 99% chance we won't make it to day 5/6 for testing.

No words is an understatement. How? Why?

I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a super busy day at work and it was a 15 hour work day at that. But I haven't had a chance to grieve. And DH...poor DH. He doesn't cry often but I could just see it break him when we finally got home from our long days and we were able to process this news together...in the same room.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just don't know what to do.

Oh and to place a big FU in my face, 3 pregnancy announcements on Facebook and a baby shower invite in the mail. How do you like that? Just in case you weren't having a bad day already, I just wanted to make sure.

Life is so freaking unfair. I said to DH tonight....'what did we do to deserve this' and his response was... 'Nothing and that's why it hurts so much'

And now I'm debating on whether or not to post something on Facebook about national infertility awareness week. Perfect timing, eh? While its a private matter, I'm so tired of the ignorance and stupidity of people. If only they knew the struggles of what others are going through.

It's 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Beyond words.

Heart wrenching update

Out of the 9 eggs, 4 were mature and only 2 fertilized with ICSI. DH and I are devastated and know our chances of making it to day 5 or 6 freeze for PGS testing is super slim. Not the greatest feeling in the world. Just going to try to make it through the weekend without falling apart.

Worrying

This is something I have to continue to remind myself every single day. What is worrying going to get me? I have an amazing husband, 2 precious beagles and wonderful family and friends. It's important for me to look at the good inky life when so much is weighing down on us and our IF struggles.

Give me a BREAK!

So I get in the car to come to work this morning where I usually listen to Kidd Kradick in the Morning.  Love the show and have been listening to them since junior high.  I wasn't a fan this morning.  The first thing I heard was..."We went out and decided to celebrate we would start trying for #2 and that's the night this one was concieved." 

Are you kidding me? Great. Wonderful. People are so damn lucky. Hey, let's start trying to get pregnant and BANG...it's done...just like that. Wonderful that they had to share that to the entire world. Lucky me. Today is going to be grrrreeeaaaat. Happy Valentine's Day to ME!

Stress and IF

I can feel the amount of stress I'm going to have over the next few months starting now. With our retrieval in March and the launch of a new site at work, I really don't know how I'm going to manage it. DH warned me about this when we took the IVF step a few months ago, knowing the timing couldn't have been worse. We can't postpone because we don't know when I could be releasing my last eggs....ever month counts. Ehhh....I need a massage stat to help me relax.