Family Rivalry 2013

Every year, K-State and TCU play in football.  This year, the game was in Manhattan, Kansas and my sister, her fiance, my dad and his wife all came up for the game. We had a lot of fun (maybe too much?) and K-State came out on top! 

Here's a few tailgating pictures and some at the game...

CCRM & IVF #2 Update

So we've been taking a complete break from all things infertility related.  To catch you up to date:

We had our one day work up with CCRM in Colorado back in June 2013.

Everything looked great except for...dun dun dun...my ovarian reserve.  We decided to move forward with an IVF at CCRM at the end of July 2013/August 2013.

We ended up with retrieving 5 eggs with only 2 mature at that time.  2 more matured over night and one of each fertilized with ICSI.  We froze both embies on day 3...One was a 7-cell with 10% fragmentation and 4-cell with 15% fragmentation.

Here's a few pictures from our trip to Colorado.  While there with our retrieval, we were able to do some exploring with Albert and Daisie.

With neither embryo being super great quality, and day 3 at that, we decided to transfer both in October.  Unfortunately, neither one took.  Dr. M thinks it was due to quality (not a big surprise there) and wanted to regroup to figure out a plan next.

Talk about devastation. This was such a difficult time for us, but we weren't giving up hope.  After regrouping with Dr. M, we decided we were going to try again with my own eggs before even considering donar egg or embryo adoption.  She recommended we try again at least 6 months from now and suggested I get on a slue of supplements/meds while going gluten free.  Hey, whatever it takes.

So, here we are.  In a position of disappointment but we haven't given up hope.  We have age on our side.  We have hope on our side. We have faith on our side.  Here's to round #3...

Marc and Dan's Wedding!

It's not every day that two of your best friends get married...to each other! Greg and I were both in the wedding party for our good friends Marc and Danielle.  It was so much fun and such a beautiful wedding! 

Bridesmaids with the Bride

Getting our hair done!

Can't forget Starbucks!

Greg and I with the Bride and Groom!

Baker tennis girls...love you all! 

St. Louis Cardinals, Zoo, and Music

We went to St. Louis with our good friends and had a wonderful time! 

1st on the agenda, a Cardinals game of course! After the game, we spent the night out in downtown St. Louis.  Casino fun, bar, beers, rumchata, and White Castle. Let's just say that White Castle is never a good decision the next morning.

We then went to the St. Louis Zoo the next day, which I had been dying to go to for awhile. Below you'll see a snuggly gorilla eating some lunch. 

And last on the agenda was an Alkaline Trio show in St. Louis.  It was a great show but it wasn't so fun driving back to Kansas City that night for work the next morning.  

Ahhh....while we are young. :)

This bridge as a special significance for me.  While I was an assistant tennis coach, our team played in St. Louis during spring break one year. The head coach actually tried to drive the bus under this bridge but it didn't fit. We drove all the way back to Kansas from St. Louis with 1/2 a roof on the bus. Crazy. 

Happy 30th Birthday, Honey!

Today my wonderful, caring, sweet, handsome husband turned 30. We had a surprise party for him at the Royals vs. Cardinals game and he had no idea it was coming. Thanks to all of the family and friends that made the trek in the "hurricane" type storm.  It meant the world to have you there!

A plan is never a plan

I haven't updated in a while.  It's been a rough few weeks.  With our first failed IVF, well I don't even know if it would be qualified as a full IVF because we never made it to freeze/transfer...and then some news from friends, mother's day and a recent test, it's been a whirlwind.

So here's what's happening:

Our 2 embies stopped dividing on day 3, so we didn't make it to transfer as I previously published.  DH and I were so ready to just take a break and do something for ourselves.  We talked to our best friends about going to Vegas in July...they were in! Awesome! We just wanted to get away from everything, take a break and spend time together. Well..about 5 days after we booked the Vegas trip, my friend wrote me an email to tell me she was pregnant.  Not planned at all, obviously.  While my heart sunk and I was in shock, I can say that I am happy for her.  She knows everything we are going through and was so worried about how we would react.  That's how you know she is a true friend.  So...Vegas is a no go.

I decided to call my RE and get my AMH retested before we went in for our WTF appointment.  I was thinking to myself...I've been on all of these supplements for 6 months, it has to have gone up.  No, I was wrong. Dead wrong.  My AMH (which measures ovarian reserve) is now undetectable at <.16.  WHAT???? HOW???  Such devastating news.   I had a major breakdown thinking that I was probably at the end of the road of having my own biological children.  When we met with your RE, she suggested that we move to Donar Egg, but said she would do it again with my own eggs if that is what we wanted.  She wouldn't change our protocol, which made me question if we should get a second opinion.

So that's where we are today.  It was so fast, our plan is a 180 from what we had planned...taking a break and going to Vegas over the summer.

I'm happy to say that we have a phone consult with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM next week.  This is the best clinic in the country and I have all the confidence in the world that if we can get pregnant with my own eggs, it will be through them.  I'm curious what they say and what they will recommend as far as protocol.  Thanks to the ladies of TB for all of your help and advice!

NIAW Post

We came out on facebook this week. After reading it, I wish I would have added a few things...so that's what I'm doing here. Additions in BLUE  :)

Even though the week is almost over, I still wanted to post about National Infertility Awareness Week as it is something near and dear to our hearts.  We have been struggling with infertility over the last few years and we both believe it’s important to bring awareness to this issue as it’s typically not on most people’s radars.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, account-draining, life-altering experience. One in eight couples struggles through this every single day, so chances are you know someone very close to you going through it. My biggest piece of advice is to let them know you are thinking of them and support their decisions but don’t offer advice unless asked for it. You don’t know their story, what they are going through or where they are in their journey. Please know that some of us would gladly take 9 months of extreme morning sickness or a sleep deprived life just to hold that miracle in our arms, so... please think before you complain…in person or online. It’s like when someone complains about a parent or sibling when others would give anything to bring them back into their lives…it hurts. Just know how lucky you are. While we are happy for our family and friends when they have a baby or share joyous occasions/pictures of their children, it is a reminder of what we so desperately want but don’t have.  Please include us in any and all functions as we don't want to feel left out or treated differently but know that there are going to be times when we need to distance ourselves from situations that cause stress or anxiety.  It's nothing personal to you, but something we have to do for ourselves, for our own health.  We are surrounded by it everywhere we go and it takes an undefined strength to keep pushing forward through the difficult times. This isn’t a devastation you only encounter once, but it is one that comes on a reoccurring basis…every single month. It’s hard to wait around for something that might never be, but it’s hard to let go when it is everything you have ever wanted. Thank you to our family and friends who have been a great support system over the last few years…you know who you are. We love you and are lucky to have you in our lives as others who struggle with this go through it alone.   We are stronger because of this experience and will continue to fight every step of the way.

More info about NIAW, infertility, treatments, costs, and legislative issues: http://www.resolve.org/

Some great advice if you know someone struggling through infertility: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Beyond words

Today has been on of the most trying days of my life. We found out that out 2 embryos stopped dividing at day 3 so there is a 99% chance we won't make it to day 5/6 for testing.

No words is an understatement. How? Why?

I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a super busy day at work and it was a 15 hour work day at that. But I haven't had a chance to grieve. And DH...poor DH. He doesn't cry often but I could just see it break him when we finally got home from our long days and we were able to process this news together...in the same room.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just don't know what to do.

Oh and to place a big FU in my face, 3 pregnancy announcements on Facebook and a baby shower invite in the mail. How do you like that? Just in case you weren't having a bad day already, I just wanted to make sure.

Life is so freaking unfair. I said to DH tonight....'what did we do to deserve this' and his response was... 'Nothing and that's why it hurts so much'

And now I'm debating on whether or not to post something on Facebook about national infertility awareness week. Perfect timing, eh? While its a private matter, I'm so tired of the ignorance and stupidity of people. If only they knew the struggles of what others are going through.

It's 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Beyond words.

Heart wrenching update

Out of the 9 eggs, 4 were mature and only 2 fertilized with ICSI. DH and I are devastated and know our chances of making it to day 5 or 6 freeze for PGS testing is super slim. Not the greatest feeling in the world. Just going to try to make it through the weekend without falling apart.

Egg Retrieval

Yesterday was our egg retrival.  Everything went as well as expected.  The RE told DH they got 9 eggs, so I'm just waiting today to get the call to tell us how many were mature and how many fertilized.  I was so happy when DH told me the number in the recovery room. 

I'm doing well.  I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping.  Today I'm lounging around working from home.  I'm feeling pretty bloated and uncomfortable, but nothing too bad. I'll update later once I hear from the RE...

Yes another Update

DH and I went in this morning to check follicle growth and E2 levels.  I had about 10 follies growing...ranging from 21mm to 11mm.  The nurse wanted to present all of my info to the RE to determine whether our ER would be on Wednesday or Thursday of this week.

So...I just heard back and it looks like we will be doing our retreival on Thursday. They want to give some of those 15mm range follies a chance to catch up, hoping we will be able to retreive more eggs to send off for PGS testing.  Also in good news...my E2 levels jumped up to 1583! I'm extremely happy with this as the E2 levels can show egg quality.  I just hope everything keeps moving along.  One last round of stims tonight and we will trigger sometime tomorrow evening most likely.  Yay!

Update

So we went in for a checkup today.  Suprisingly we had11 follies...5 left, 6 right.  I was in such a state of shock and happiness that I started cry a little.  The follies ranged from various sizes from 7 to 14 and my E2 Levels 378. The higher follicle number and lower E2 levels is proof of my poor quality...but all we need is one.  They do want my E2 levels to be higher, so I go back on Monday to see where we are and to schedule egg retreival. 


IVF Protocol
Friday April 5 - Start Lupron AM & Lupron/Saizen PM
Saturday April 6 - Lupron AM, Lupron/Saizen PM
Sunday April 7 - Continue Lupron AM, Lupron/Saizen PM and add Gonal-F and Menapur PM
Tuesday April 9 - E2 Level at 109, Continue above
Wednesday - No changes, continue above
Thursday - Continue above
Friday - 11 Follies, E2 Levels 378

Day 3 of Stims Update

I went in to check my E2 levels  at the RE today.  They came back at 109.  The nurse said that they want to see it over 100, so here's to hoping.  So far, the only side effect that I've had from the drugs is just an awful headache on Saturday.  I go back in on Friday to check E2 levels and to do an ultrasound to see how many follicles are growing.


IVF Protocol
Friday April 5 - Start Lupron AM & Lupron/Saizen PM
Saturday April 6 - Lupron AM, Lupron/Saizen PM
Sunday April 7 - Continue Lupron AM, Lupron/Saizen PM and add Gonal-F and Menapur PM
Tuesday April 9 - E2 Level at 109

Get After It

So, DH and I went in this morning for our suppression appointment and guess what, I was fully suppressed! No more cyst...low progesterone/E2 levels. This might really happen.  Some other positive news...my AFC was 8! For someone with such a low AMH level, DH and I were really happy about this.  3 on my right, 5 on my left.  I'm just hoping those suckers will get after it and grow some amazingly beautiful eggs.  I've only had one other AFC count taken (my old RE didn't do them...) and it was around 3. So 8 it is!

Lupron/Saizen start Friday...Stims on Sunday.  We are traveling on Thursday, so it will be a interesting to see how we go about flying and being out and about and a baseball game/wedding with meds. 

See ya later!

So I went back to the RE this week to see if my cyst was gone.  What a relief - IT WAS! I was so terrified that it was still there as I was still having some "cyst-like" pain...but nothing. So this means that we go back next week for our suppression appointment and will start Lupron a week from today and stims a week from Sunday (assuming everything looks great at suppression).  I'm excited but don't want to get too excited because things change and shit happens. But here's to hoping... *Fingers Crossed**

Damn Cyst

Update from yesterday... The nurse called and said that my E2 levels were high at 158 and they like to see it below 50 at this point in our IVF cycle.  So...instead of canceling and delaying this cycle, I'm going in again on Friday to check the cyst size and E2 levels again. They think there is a chance of continuing if everything has dropped.

BUT....

DAMN CYST. I'm sitting here at work and I can feel it on my left ovary. Seriously? What the hell. I know that this cycle is most likely going to be canceled.  I feel like we are only delaying the inevitable. 

When a Heart Breaks

Thanks a lot Pandora. Why the heck would this song show up on my Mumford and Sons station? Completly applies to everything that is going on right now. How can your heart break for something you never had? I feel so lost and so alone. Infertility sucks...a lot. It plays with your emotions and general well-being as a person. I need chocolate and a bottle of wine stat.

"When A Heart Breaks"
By: Ben Rector

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
Oh, when a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

Suppression Appointment

I went in this moring for my suppression appointment. I was so excited going into this...ready to kick everything off.  From learning more about the meds we will be using, to our baseline ultrasound, to everything and anything. I was pumped.

And then - my heart sunk...when they saw a HUGE cyst on my left ovary.  Seriously? Why??? WHY?? I just don't get it.  We already had to wait 3 months for this cycle because of the PGS testing...now we might be delayed or even canceled?

I'm just waiting to hear back on my estrodial levels.  Hopefully they are so low that we can move forward as planned.  Look, I know plans change...it's the nature of the beast that is infertility, but can't I just catch a break?? I'm hoping we will just be delayed a week, but our RE office only does so many IVF with PGS each month...so we might be delayed even longer, depending on their schedules.

To make matters worse - We already have 2 trips planned for April and my sister is getting married next April...so I don't want to do a FET that would have a due date around then.  Seriously. Give me a freaking break.

BCP...Let's go!

Our IVF cycle that is.  I started on BCP pills yesterday along side baby aspirin.  I'm so glad we are finally at the point where we are in the actual cycle where our egg retrieval will happen.  Nervous? Yes...but excited nonetheless.

I'm trying my hardest not to let IF consume me right now.  I know the 10 days we will be doing stims are going to be hard, especially with everything going on at work.

Suppression Appointment is on Tuesday. Let's get this show on the road!

And so it begins...

Aunt flow came last night! Here we go...officially starting our IVF cycle. I'm nervous...scared...excited...anxious...and so much more. Mostly, I'm excited we are finally at this point and moving forward. For the past 3 months I've felt like we were in standstill waiting for this to get rolling.

In other news...working from home today because of Winter Storm Q. I'll be wearing my PJs all day. Good thing I stocked up on chili makings and hot cocoa....as did everyone in the area. The grocery store was a madhouse yesterday.

This pic was taking about 2 hours ago. We have twice as much snow now.

Worrying

This is something I have to continue to remind myself every single day. What is worrying going to get me? I have an amazing husband, 2 precious beagles and wonderful family and friends. It's important for me to look at the good inky life when so much is weighing down on us and our IF struggles.

Give me a BREAK!

So I get in the car to come to work this morning where I usually listen to Kidd Kradick in the Morning.  Love the show and have been listening to them since junior high.  I wasn't a fan this morning.  The first thing I heard was..."We went out and decided to celebrate we would start trying for #2 and that's the night this one was concieved." 

Are you kidding me? Great. Wonderful. People are so damn lucky. Hey, let's start trying to get pregnant and BANG...it's done...just like that. Wonderful that they had to share that to the entire world. Lucky me. Today is going to be grrrreeeaaaat. Happy Valentine's Day to ME!

Stress and IF

I can feel the amount of stress I'm going to have over the next few months starting now. With our retrieval in March and the launch of a new site at work, I really don't know how I'm going to manage it. DH warned me about this when we took the IVF step a few months ago, knowing the timing couldn't have been worse. We can't postpone because we don't know when I could be releasing my last eggs....ever month counts. Ehhh....I need a massage stat to help me relax.

Funny but true

My husband knows me well. Yesterday he sent me this awesome, hilarious but oh so true ecard. It took every ounce of power in me not to post to Facebook after seeing 5 people in a row (no lie) complaining about pregnancy or their kids. So frustrating.