Marc and Dan's Wedding!

It's not every day that two of your best friends get married...to each other! Greg and I were both in the wedding party for our good friends Marc and Danielle.  It was so much fun and such a beautiful wedding! 

Bridesmaids with the Bride

Getting our hair done!

Can't forget Starbucks!

Greg and I with the Bride and Groom!

Baker tennis girls...love you all! 

St. Louis Cardinals, Zoo, and Music

We went to St. Louis with our good friends and had a wonderful time! 

1st on the agenda, a Cardinals game of course! After the game, we spent the night out in downtown St. Louis.  Casino fun, bar, beers, rumchata, and White Castle. Let's just say that White Castle is never a good decision the next morning.

We then went to the St. Louis Zoo the next day, which I had been dying to go to for awhile. Below you'll see a snuggly gorilla eating some lunch. 

And last on the agenda was an Alkaline Trio show in St. Louis.  It was a great show but it wasn't so fun driving back to Kansas City that night for work the next morning.  

Ahhh....while we are young. :)

This bridge as a special significance for me.  While I was an assistant tennis coach, our team played in St. Louis during spring break one year. The head coach actually tried to drive the bus under this bridge but it didn't fit. We drove all the way back to Kansas from St. Louis with 1/2 a roof on the bus. Crazy. 

Happy 30th Birthday, Honey!

Today my wonderful, caring, sweet, handsome husband turned 30. We had a surprise party for him at the Royals vs. Cardinals game and he had no idea it was coming. Thanks to all of the family and friends that made the trek in the "hurricane" type storm.  It meant the world to have you there!

A plan is never a plan

I haven't updated in a while.  It's been a rough few weeks.  With our first failed IVF, well I don't even know if it would be qualified as a full IVF because we never made it to freeze/transfer...and then some news from friends, mother's day and a recent test, it's been a whirlwind.

So here's what's happening:

Our 2 embies stopped dividing on day 3, so we didn't make it to transfer as I previously published.  DH and I were so ready to just take a break and do something for ourselves.  We talked to our best friends about going to Vegas in July...they were in! Awesome! We just wanted to get away from everything, take a break and spend time together. Well..about 5 days after we booked the Vegas trip, my friend wrote me an email to tell me she was pregnant.  Not planned at all, obviously.  While my heart sunk and I was in shock, I can say that I am happy for her.  She knows everything we are going through and was so worried about how we would react.  That's how you know she is a true friend.  So...Vegas is a no go.

I decided to call my RE and get my AMH retested before we went in for our WTF appointment.  I was thinking to myself...I've been on all of these supplements for 6 months, it has to have gone up.  No, I was wrong. Dead wrong.  My AMH (which measures ovarian reserve) is now undetectable at <.16.  WHAT???? HOW???  Such devastating news.   I had a major breakdown thinking that I was probably at the end of the road of having my own biological children.  When we met with your RE, she suggested that we move to Donar Egg, but said she would do it again with my own eggs if that is what we wanted.  She wouldn't change our protocol, which made me question if we should get a second opinion.

So that's where we are today.  It was so fast, our plan is a 180 from what we had planned...taking a break and going to Vegas over the summer.

I'm happy to say that we have a phone consult with Dr. Minjarez at CCRM next week.  This is the best clinic in the country and I have all the confidence in the world that if we can get pregnant with my own eggs, it will be through them.  I'm curious what they say and what they will recommend as far as protocol.  Thanks to the ladies of TB for all of your help and advice!

NIAW Post

We came out on facebook this week. After reading it, I wish I would have added a few things...so that's what I'm doing here. Additions in BLUE  :)

Even though the week is almost over, I still wanted to post about National Infertility Awareness Week as it is something near and dear to our hearts.  We have been struggling with infertility over the last few years and we both believe it’s important to bring awareness to this issue as it’s typically not on most people’s radars.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, account-draining, life-altering experience. One in eight couples struggles through this every single day, so chances are you know someone very close to you going through it. My biggest piece of advice is to let them know you are thinking of them and support their decisions but don’t offer advice unless asked for it. You don’t know their story, what they are going through or where they are in their journey. Please know that some of us would gladly take 9 months of extreme morning sickness or a sleep deprived life just to hold that miracle in our arms, so... please think before you complain…in person or online. It’s like when someone complains about a parent or sibling when others would give anything to bring them back into their lives…it hurts. Just know how lucky you are. While we are happy for our family and friends when they have a baby or share joyous occasions/pictures of their children, it is a reminder of what we so desperately want but don’t have.  Please include us in any and all functions as we don't want to feel left out or treated differently but know that there are going to be times when we need to distance ourselves from situations that cause stress or anxiety.  It's nothing personal to you, but something we have to do for ourselves, for our own health.  We are surrounded by it everywhere we go and it takes an undefined strength to keep pushing forward through the difficult times. This isn’t a devastation you only encounter once, but it is one that comes on a reoccurring basis…every single month. It’s hard to wait around for something that might never be, but it’s hard to let go when it is everything you have ever wanted. Thank you to our family and friends who have been a great support system over the last few years…you know who you are. We love you and are lucky to have you in our lives as others who struggle with this go through it alone.   We are stronger because of this experience and will continue to fight every step of the way.

More info about NIAW, infertility, treatments, costs, and legislative issues: http://www.resolve.org/

Some great advice if you know someone struggling through infertility: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Beyond words

Today has been on of the most trying days of my life. We found out that out 2 embryos stopped dividing at day 3 so there is a 99% chance we won't make it to day 5/6 for testing.

No words is an understatement. How? Why?

I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a super busy day at work and it was a 15 hour work day at that. But I haven't had a chance to grieve. And DH...poor DH. He doesn't cry often but I could just see it break him when we finally got home from our long days and we were able to process this news together...in the same room.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just don't know what to do.

Oh and to place a big FU in my face, 3 pregnancy announcements on Facebook and a baby shower invite in the mail. How do you like that? Just in case you weren't having a bad day already, I just wanted to make sure.

Life is so freaking unfair. I said to DH tonight....'what did we do to deserve this' and his response was... 'Nothing and that's why it hurts so much'

And now I'm debating on whether or not to post something on Facebook about national infertility awareness week. Perfect timing, eh? While its a private matter, I'm so tired of the ignorance and stupidity of people. If only they knew the struggles of what others are going through.

It's 12:30 am and I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. Beyond words.

Heart wrenching update

Out of the 9 eggs, 4 were mature and only 2 fertilized with ICSI. DH and I are devastated and know our chances of making it to day 5 or 6 freeze for PGS testing is super slim. Not the greatest feeling in the world. Just going to try to make it through the weekend without falling apart.